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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In a potentially embarrassing situation for the Obama White House, a turkey pardoned by President Obama earlier this week went on a three-state killing spree on Thanksgiving Day, killing nine.
While authorities were still piecing together the motivation ...
Celebrities
Joe Biden
The Pilgrims came to this country so they could practice religious freedom, and also so they could wear big hats made out of black construction paper. They invented Thanksgiving, which consists of sitting down and having a nice meal with people you can't stand the rest of the year. A transcript ...
Celebrities
In honor of Thanksgiving, I'm going to take a break from health care reform - much like Congress. Instead, please enjoy this chapter from my book:
Myth: Eating Turkey Makes You Sleepy
While not everyone stoops to the level of Seinfeld ’s Jerry and George, who used tryptophan in ...
Celebrities
Aaron Eckhart
Arianna Huffington asked me (and a sizable gaggle of her other pals) to write something up for Thanksgiving. What am I thankful for? What moves me on Thanksgiving?
My significant other lets me know regularly how lucky we are to have our health, a couple of nice homes, jobs that pay ...
Celebrities
Barack Obama
It happens every year in homes all across America. While millions sit down to watch parades and football and prepare to feast on roast beast surrounded by loved ones and others laugh and dance in the kitchen while reciting lines from "All About Eve." Holidays are a time for gatherings and ...
Celebrities
To give us some perspective on this day: Beethoven in 1825, very late in his life, wrote the third movement, molto adagio , of his string quartet opus 132, offering thanks for being alive, despite having gone completely deaf, the worst possible fate for a composer and musician.
Music lovers ...
Celebrities
The Greatest
I grew up in a household of very loud, opinionated people. There were hardcore conservatives and what my father called "bleeding heart liberals" among us and everyone was at each others' throat vying to make their point. I always remember gearing up for what I knew would be a test of endurance ...
Celebrities
When I was on a double family RV trip to Big Sur this last Spring Break, when we arrived at our campground a young man who was helping us set up the two large rigs, dropped his campground manifesto on me, "There are two kinds of people. One who wakes up and says 'Good Morning, God' and the ...
Celebrities
Jamie Lee Curtis
Having chosen many years ago to live in the foothills of Colorado, and to have the opportunity to protect some unspoiled property, Thanksgiving time is always a reminder of the unique blessings of nature. Elk and deer, red, grey, and black foxes, coyotes, an occasional rare bobcat, and the ...
Celebrities
Thanksgiving always evokes memories of the days when, as mothers of young children, we would bundle them up to deliver turkey baskets -- family to family -- to those in Washington, DC who couldn't afford a holiday dinner of their own.
That simple act connected our children to the original ...
Celebrities
Arianna Huffington
This Thanksgiving, the thing that will stick the most with me is while watching football, we'll surely see the thanks to and from the troops videos just before commercial breaks. You know, the ones that have a young Army Sergeant in Iraq saying hi to his wife and kids, and another where a ...
Celebrities
If you were traveling on Thanksgiving Eve, you might have missed Arianna on The Charlie Rose Show . She was there to discuss President Obama's forthcoming decision on US troop levels in Afghanistan. Joining Arianna were Yale English Professor David Bromwich, Council On Foreign Relations ...
Celebrities
The Charlie Rose Show
Huff
It's time to spread some good holiday cheer and offer thanks to five precious, leading public figures who've really made a difference.
First, God bless Sen. John McCain for picking Sarah Palin to be his running mate in 2008. Her continued visibility testifies to his good sense in selecting ...
Celebrities
Sarah Palin
Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu announced today his cabinet's decision, "To suspend new construction in Judea and Samaria." (Yes, they still call it Judea and Samaria). The Obama Administration responded within hours with a statement released by Secretary Clinton followed by a press briefing ...
Celebrities
I never expected to see so many faces of modern India as I saw Tuesday night. The White House's state dinner, its first of the new administration, honored Indian Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh. It was every sequin and silk cravat a glittering and sumptuous affair, as the media has made it ...
Celebrities
The Alaska State Trooper at the center of Sarah Palin's so-called "Troopergate Scandal"--which impeded her run for the vice-presidency and stained her record as Alaska governor--has broken his more than year-long silence since his embattled divorce with Palin's sister, Molly, became a cause ...
Celebrities
Sarah Palin
Alaska
Earlier this month, members of the Chicago Tea Party Patriots heckled a pair of town hall speakers who lost their daughter-in-law and unborn grandchild due to a medical emergency. Dan and Midge Hough wanted to explain how a lack of health care may have contributed to the two deaths.
The ...
Celebrities
Huff
Shameless
It's a hoax, folks. Sorry to be the spoiler of a feel good story--that of Rom Houben, the Belgian man who allegedly "woke up" from a 23-year long coma--but the hard truth must win out over hopeful emotions. Houben's "communications," his "statements" about how he's been aware all along of his ...
Celebrities
The Hoax
Thanksgiving is a time for taking a deep breath and appreciating the under-appreciated. So I thought I would challenge myself this year. Let's take a moment, reflect, and give thanks that Joe Lieberman is in the Senate.
Bear with me here. In the 1990s, I liked Lieberman. Most of his policy ...
Celebrities
John McCain
It's time once again for that seasonal blend of gratitude and that deep longing for the familiar --family, health, pumpkin pie, turkey, and the Detroit Lions getting blown-out on National TV.
Eight years of war have brought tremendous challenges for our military, our veterans and their ...
